urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58 Damon Damon 2006-05-02T19:21:39Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:44062 2006-05-02T19:21:39Z 2006-05-02T19:21:39Z msn is better<br /><a href="http://spaces.msn.com/members/leprechaun58">http://spaces.msn.com/members/leprechaun58</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:43953 2005-08-08T20:49:15Z 2005-08-08T20:49:15Z Items left to outline/extract quotes: <br /><br />III. Communism and National Security<br />IV. Steps taken by State<br />V. Spy cases<br />[Tuesday afternoon 10am-2pm]<br /><br />VII. Atomic Espionage<br />VIII. Joseph McCarthy: his work and motivations<br />IX: Blacklisting<br />[Wednesday afternoon noon-2pm] <br /><br />X: The Decline of McCarthyism. <br /><br />Begin writing paper [produce 2 of 10 pages]<br />[Thursday afternoon 10am-2pm]<br /><br />Continue writing paper [produce 2 more pages for a total of 4 of 10 pages]<br />[Friday morning 8am-2pm]<br /><br />Continue writing paper [produce 2 more pages for a total of 6 of 10 pages]<br />[Saturday morning post-pancakes (noonish) - 2pm]<br /><br />And then finally, complete rough draft Sunday morning 12am - 7am<br /><br />*wipes sweat from brow*<br /><br />yeah... I'm comfortable with that. God 48 hour work week before final week of summer quarter. Much stress. <br /><br />Now if I request the usual Sunday for term paper and also wed/thurs for last minute touch ups and studying for math final I'll be A-ok. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:43530 2005-07-30T15:30:20Z 2005-07-30T15:32:25Z Browsing through old entries from April of 2001, I found myself laughing at some of the stupid, immature shit I said: <br /><br />"I obviously don't see anything in the way of higher education and thus higher salaries. A bit of extra knowledge and the money that goes with it won't make me happy. If I found the one thing that I've been waiting for I could be happy working at a grocery store for the rest of my life."<br /><br />Yeahhh... so my thinking there was that working at a job at which I'm constantly surrounded by stupidity, one in which I've had to rigorously train myself to be able to deal with "unenlightened" people, is no problem so long as I find true love. <br /><br />So naieve...<br />The reality is that while I am at the moment too socially/emotionally/sexually dysfunctional to be able to be in the kind of relationship I want, it's more important to put all my energy into making the 40-50 years I spend at a particular job as enjoyable as possible. <br /><br />Also, knowledge is power and now that I have mental stability and personal goals for myself (direction), few things give me greater pleasure than learning. <br />And the money thing.... a higher income means I can establish good credit and eventually buy my dream condo right downtown (perhaps even at that nice new "2220" building on Denny/Dexter. Material, yes, but the less I have to stress about money the easier it is to enjoy life...<br /><br />Some things, however, are equally true now as they were April of 2001 when I was WAY unstable and obsessed with Sveta...<br /><br />"I live only to discover myself..... " urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:43349 2005-06-13T03:21:30Z 2005-06-13T03:21:30Z This one caught my eye yesterday: <br /><br /><b><center>Summer in the Meadow<br />Kathy Heffernan</b><br /><br />Purged from the hive,<br />She hovers, then<br />dives<br />into the stem's glow<br />-<br />Spinning gold<br />A whirling dervish<br />On the <a href="http://www.karenloveart.com/Galleries/CanvasFlora/Images/NootkaWildRose.jpg">Nootka Rose</a><br />I want work like that.<br />Work that makes me dizzy<br />Makes me drunk on sweet nectar<br />Finds me dancing<br />Across the plush, pink petals of all that I love.</center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:43226 2005-05-05T20:29:25Z 2005-05-06T11:45:15Z Enlightenment Lost(friend who shall remain nameless)&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; enlightenment lost?<br />Lavarn<b>(me)</b>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yes<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; reference to me screwing up a couple weeks ago and getting high<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; doh...<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yeah :(<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; not too tragic<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; you went to a party or something?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Went to a club<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; got drunk<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; left early way tossed <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; came home and raided my roomate's stash<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; is this the same older guy?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; immediately felt bad about it and proceeded to ride my bike 80 miles to work it off<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yeah<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I see, did you tell him?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; immediately since I went out with him and he was worried<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; he wasn't mad or anything?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; no not really... Kirk's sweet. <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It wasn't a great tragedy<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Just a reminder of certain aspects of my addictive nature.... and some phychological issues as well<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; so do you think it was caused by the fact that you were drunk?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it's complicated<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; ok...well, the weaker claim<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; do you think you would have not done it if you were not drunk?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I (unlike you) haven't given up on the idea and acutally constanstly pursue social fulfillment<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; definitely<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; alcohol leads addicts back to their drug of choice<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I learned that long, long ago<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but forgot that night<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; makes sense<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but...you don't think that the alcohol was the problem?<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Alcohol has a tendency to bring forth a lot of emotion<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; tian says I should drink for that reason<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; because you're too fucked up to repress sadness, it pours<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; There's no benefit to it, though. You don't think about it and learn, you just cry<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; or whatever other emotion comes out<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; right...so it doesn't bring out only good emotions<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; no<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; For me I'm reminded of some fundamental phycholocal problems.... sexual anxiety making relationships possible and etc<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it's one of these cases where you know not doing it is better, but you still do it because you can't logically carry out the best decision<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; (for the getting high, that is)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; when I'm drunk, you mean? <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yeah<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well...even when you are not drunk, sometimes, right?<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; that's the whole addict thing...<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; when I'm drunk there's no logic/reasoning operating at all<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; the addict thing is complicated<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; so you do it because it makes you feel good at the time<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; not that simple.... In retrospect I can explain exactly what happened.... <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Lack of social fulfilment/frustration with psychological issues that bother me on a daily basis made put me in a dangerous "fuck it I don't care I'm gonna enjoy myself regardless" mindset<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; hmm<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it's definitely a temporary enjoyment kind of thing<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; since obviously you do not enjoy it in the long run<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yeah.... <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and it points to a general failure on my part in the pursuit of happiness... <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; though it's not entirely my fault<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; a chemical imbalance has probably always been there... but I made it worse<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; a lot of it stems from sexual issues... childhood stuff<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; not sure why I feel compelled to vent all this but... ahh well<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; chemical imbalance - in terms of what makes you happy or in terms of your ability to pursue what makes you happy<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; hmm<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; happiness can be different for different people we agreed on that<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; the best way to describe it is that I have all the means of living a happy life... of enjoying myself every day<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; (self-confidence, friends, family, hobbies, etc)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but for no reason at all my mood is so unstable and more often than not shitty that I don't utilize those means<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well, if you aren't happy, you can't argue with that<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but even if you do everything right there are still downswings where you will feel bad (but only temporarily)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; the temporary downswings are extremely bad... turn my cell phone off, contact no one for 2-3 days and so on<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I dunno<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; in any case I need to stop putting off having myself evaluated<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it has always been unclear to me whether life is even worth living...ever since the "normal setting theory" :)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it seems like no matter what you do, there are times when you will feel good, and other times when you will feel bad<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; right the premise was that random life events will cause moments of happiness/sadness<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and at all other times's you'll return to "normal" <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; which is inherently unpleasant <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; or something like that<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I wouldn't say "normal" is inherently unpleasent...<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but it isn't pleasent either...it's right in the middle<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; that doesn't apply to everyone, though<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; just fucked up people like us :)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; for most people, there are moments of happiness/sadness but the setting most often experienced is pleasant<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; that is the accepted or conveyed view<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but I wonder if it is really true<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; you could imagine the situation where everyone feels like shit<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but they all think that they will feel better if they try to convey that they feel good<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but that's not the case... just based on observation. Count the amount of laughter, the number of smiles you encounter every day. Haven't you ever found yourself wondering how certain people you encounter every day are as happy as they appear to be? <br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; yup...all the time<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; People who have "normal" lives<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but...I can't rule out the plausible explanation that they are faking it<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; why is that plausible?<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I go around trying to pretend that I feel better than I really do<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I bet people think that I feel great<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence right? :)<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; well<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it's an established fact that people who grow up in a certain "normal" environment (two parents, no sexual trama, no emotional trama, etc) grow up with what you would call a happier "normal setting.<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; these people socialize normally<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; have sex normally<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and easily obtain all the things you and I would agree are reliable sources of happiness<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; friends<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; family<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; success<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; maybe they are happier<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but it is really difficult to know I think<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; you can tell when the smiles are genuine<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; when someone's truly a happy person<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I agree that it is sometimes clear when someone is enjoying themselves<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but I would say that's just temporary happiness<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; they are doing an activity that they genuinely like<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; right<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but...then when they have to stop and go back to work or something<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; there are individual activities that cause happiness<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but I do that too<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I'm no different from them in that respect<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and then there are reliable sources one uses for one's entire life<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and all of those involve healthy social/sexual contact with other people<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; How happy I am on a daily basis has everything to do with how enjoyable my social contact with the people around me on that day is. <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; My fondest memories of days I was extremely happy involve time spent with you or Kevin<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; so you enjoy social contact<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; or with other friends/family<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I don't think this is just a tendency I have<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but the key idea of the normal setting theory is that<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and I've said this to you many times....<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; say there are two different possible lives<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; you reject the idea that happiness MUST come from social contact<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; which is wrong<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 1. a life where you have a lot of social contact with people every day 2. a life where you never (or rarely) have social contact with anyone<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and the idea of the normal setting theory is that in the long run, your happiness for these two lives are the same<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; so what you're saying is socializing isn't a reliable source of happiness? That spending time along improving your poker skills or whatever would make you smile/laugh more than joking around or doing whatever else with friends?<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; hmm...well<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; that if think back to some of your happiest moments<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; in my normal setting theory, which I'm not sure how much is actually true or I agree with<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; there are an equal number of solitary moments than ones with friends/family?<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it doesn't matter what I do...<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I think that if you are alone all the time, the chance to talk with someone is a temporary source of happiness<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and conversely, if you are talking with people all the time, the chance to be alone for a bit is a temporary source of happiness<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; to say that it doesn't matter what you do (be with people or be alone), you're simply admitting to social anxiety <br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; which you didn't need to do (I already knew that)<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; as to social anxiety<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; that's avoiding social contact because of the temporarily bad effects that would happen because of it<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I think this theory is simply a justification for your social anxiety<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; haha<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I suppose it's possible<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; something to consider anyway<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I have thought about that<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; it's actually interesting<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; (clothing in dryer BRB)<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; a lot of times when I am feeling terrible, I think to myself that if I had lived a life with more social contact, I wouldn't be feeling this way<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but then there eventually come times where I feel great, and I tell myself how proud I am for not living a life of social contact<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; and of course, my life has a lot of inevitable social contact anyway...but probably less than the average person<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; much less<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; but that'll change when you're employed<br />Lavarn&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Which you're how close to being, BTW?<br />Enlightenment Lost&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; not that close :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:42947 2005-05-01T00:27:07Z 2005-05-01T00:27:07Z "A life of nothing's nothing worth<br />From that first nothing after birth <br />To that last nothing under earth." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:42643 2005-03-08T20:20:16Z 2005-03-09T06:02:50Z hmm... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:42414 2005-03-03T21:51:43Z 2005-03-03T21:51:43Z These are helpful. I need more. <br /><br />1. "That [outside force causing disharmony] is not my happiness."<br /><br />2. "Unwavering determination."<br /><br />3. "Insecurity is an illusion. Relativity is irrelevent." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:42227 2005-03-02T18:41:12Z 2005-03-02T18:41:12Z 45 minutes to write this thing. Rigidly structured forms are a bitch, but I think what I came up with has the potential to amuse :P<br /><br />SESTINA ON THE INDIVIDUAL<br /><br />1. <br />Why must one ask<br />About this ridiculous race<br />That circulates round<br />The shape of one’s belly?<br />Why waste your time in the hall<br />Of absurd, unreal dreams? <br /><br />2. <br />Today I dream<br />Of that which I need not ask<br />Of others; others trapped in that hall;<br />Trapped in that fruitless race<br />Centered on the sex appeal of one’s belly.<br />These people are lost. Watch them spin round and round.<br /><br />3. <br />Round and round and round and round;<br />Thinking their dreams are their own, but failing to dream<br />About how important it really is to have a belly<br />About which no one ever asks, <br />“Haven’t you competed the additional race?”,<br />“Shouldn’t you be wildly roaming the halls”?<br /><br />4. <br />“Nay,” I say. I stand today in my own hall.<br />I care not about roundness.<br />I compete in my own race.<br />I have my own dreams.<br />And if anyone ever asks,<br />I’m quick to reply, “one’s worth isn’t measure by the size of the belly.”<br /><br />5. <br />However, some are still focused on the belly. <br />They’re still stuck in the hall<br />And lack the willpower to ask,<br />“Is the whole world spinning round?”<br />Surely they must dream<br />Of ending their tireless race. <br />6. <br />Instilled by outside forces and damaging to the individual is this race.<br />Souls are crushed and spirits sent all round.<br />We all lose the ability to dream<br />Of one day leaving this hall<br />And instead circling round<br />A hall of our own creation; a hall about which we needn’t ever ask:<br /><br />7. <br />“Who put me here?”<br />or<br />“Am I happy here?” urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:41795 2005-02-26T08:53:34Z 2005-02-26T08:53:34Z The statement about understanding the risk even at DnB parties and not caring about it is such addict thinking. Addiction to a natural endorphine high warping my thinking is equally bad as addction to any other substance....<br /><br />Went to Catwalk to see Dieselboy... hung out for a while, drank some Jager expecting a nice little energizing buzz, but became lethargic instead. And thus the battle began. Tonight I won, though. I fled the venue in fear and sent the following to the friend who'd be wondering what the fuck if I didn't let her know what's up: <br /><br />"Tess: The fact that known dealers are there and using comes to mind makes DnB parties dangerous. Addicts like me must run away and never return. Sobriety is my priority."<br /><br />Enlightenment is remembering what you already knew with newfound evidence to support it.&nbsp; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:41671 2005-02-15T22:54:39Z 2005-03-05T17:28:50Z To shatter my focus on outside influences and attempt to become one with this "void" is to become a slave to my inner-voice. <br /><br />Those familiar memories,<br />Feelings,<br />Hopes,<br />Fears,<br />My unwavering determination to achieve certain things. <br /><br />That which I mustn't forget echos in my mind<br /><br />As it should. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:41443 2005-02-07T02:13:58Z 2005-02-07T02:13:58Z "If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you should post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your own journal and see what people remember about you." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:40963 2005-02-05T21:51:11Z 2005-02-05T21:51:11Z Waater - phase II Before I forget it need to jot down the image that popped into my head last night as I was overwhelmed with the natural endorphine high DJ Raiden gave me @ the Aristacrats. <br /><br />It's so bazaar how dramatically I'm changed by totally letting my body be controlled by a drum and bass set that is to my liking. As I danced, I meditated. Creative juices flowed. I found myself imagining clearly all my insecurities. Moments in which I thought to myself "I'm not capable of achieving my academic goals" were all embodied in the image of myself in my head which, as I danced, slowly expanded. Think of the super ninja in "Big Trouble in Little China" who gets all pissed off and blows himself up. This movie of my insecure self blowing up played in my head several times... it was a symbolic letting go of those irrational thoughts. <br /><br />That meditation freed me from those emotions and now as I sit down and think about those moments of insecurity again, I can approach them rationally. The reality is that I'm determined, hard-working and capable. Therefore, all academic goals will be easily reached. End of story. <br /><br />This makes me happy. Pioneer square bars at which e is nonexistant is ok, I've decided. And even if a drug dealer I recognize shows up (which happened last night), tough. I'm still kinda giddy and elated from that experience last night and am not willing to give it up... <br /><br />Uncertain, though... next saturday morning I'll be at Breakfast of Champions and I'll ponder the question of whether or not D&B parties are ok... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:40763 2005-02-02T18:29:22Z 2005-02-02T18:29:22Z This quarter's lesson is that an hour gap between classes sucks.<br /><br />Updated LJ info with a minibio. Sums the past 22 years up quite well I think. <br /><br />Thought I'd something more to say but it's gone now. Sad. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:40480 2005-01-18T23:18:35Z 2005-01-18T23:21:15Z Once upon a time you were a ball of cookie dough, formless and capable of becoming anything. <br /><br />Then suddenly you were surrounded with strong hands that beat you down flat and cut you into a particular shape. <br /><br />You were then baked for 10-12 minutes at 350 degrees, frosted and generously covered in multi-colored sprinkles. <br /><br />It is for that reason that I am so amused by you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:40372 2005-01-18T20:57:56Z 2005-01-18T20:57:56Z One of the greatest philosophers of all time, Socrates, seemed to value dialogue as a way to express and refine philosophical thought. In my own experience, I find this to be mostly true. Ideas pop into my head more frequently when I'm sipping coffee with a friend, exploring ideas. <br /><br />Meditation works as well. I have a habit of putting on somafm.com's dronezone before I go to bed because it's spacy, relaxing and helps me wind down. Yesterday I found myself pondering consciousness for no particular reason and came up with a very simple way to define it. <br /><br />Science and philosophy seem to have great trouble with this issue. For me it's simple. All one must do is observe what exactly is going on in one's waking state. What are the aspects of consciosness? The first and most obvious sound, which exists in the mind in three forms: (1) the inner voice, (2) the voice of others and (3) memories of the sounds of the world. <br /><br />The second aspect is images, which, just like sounds, can be memories or images we consciously create. <br /><br />I considered the other 3 senses being aspects of consciousness, but they all seem to become sounds or images. If I try to make a taste, smell, or physical sensation a part of my consciousness I end up using language or pictures and therefore creating sounds and images in my head. I can't experience, for example, the taste of chocolate. I can only imagine the word used to describe it (sweet). <br /><br />Playing a sort of guiding role in this constant stream of sound and images is the third aspect: emotion. The inner voice has the power to create or change emotions and conversely emotions have the power to create or change images and sounds. <br /><br />Individuality, then, is defined by what emotions, images and sounds tend to compose one's consciousness. <br /><br />"Higher levels of consciousness", as described in Eastern philosophy, therefore, are simply more favorable combinations of emotions, images and sounds. <br /><br />What's most facinating about my mind and how its constantly evolving. In childhood and adolesence, events take place and create a sort of emotional setting which in turn makes certain images and sounds a normal part of consciousness. I've become aware of this emotional setting and the way it effects my thoughts. Consciousness changing consciousness. <br /><br />We are such facinating creatures.&nbsp; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:39983 2005-01-13T22:49:40Z 2005-01-13T22:51:47Z David Lanz - Skyline Firedance I'm beginning to think my greatest strength is also one of my greatest weaknesses... <br /><br />Every free moment I have is spent thinking about my current outlook on life. Recent social interactions that remind me of who I am echo in my mind again and again. For example, at work a couple nights ago I was discussing in my usual calm, civil, desperately-trying-to-avoid-conflict manner whether or not we should be taking a second break. The issue is stupid and not worth explaining... but what ended up happing is that Alex, my coworker and standard-issue hyper-heterosexual insecure male, snaped at me in an agressive tone. A mere four words spoken in an aggressive tone make me shake with anxiety... <br /><br />Anyway... the point is that I'm constantly working on myself as if there's always something wrong... which is true, I suppose. But the drawback is that I've become really good at finding a way to justify just about anything I do. I can change my perspective on things easily. <br /><br />This all relates back to drugs of course (huge suprise I know) and my complex relationship with them. Over the summer I felt empowered and totally in control. I had learned from my destructive phase and had no desire to destroy myself any more. I enrolled in school and began paying off debt. All was well until I discovered a weakness I couldn't really predict... I reached 6 months of sobriety and was hit with random depression again and "relapsed". I recovered as I always do and empowered with the knowledge that all I have to do to say sober is be very aware of my mood and far away from drugs when random depression hits. This worked for a while... than I was asked to help someone who for unknown reasons had pills and knew nothing at all about what to do with them. This excited me... I liked the idea of playing the game again. <br /><br />So I played it right after Christmas. Stupid idea because this made it easy for me to justify using. The conversation I had with myself is still fresh in my mind... like it was yesterday... I recall saying "I've been up forever and won't be able to get rid of these unless I take one to stay awake."<br /><br />The last nail in the coffin was "I'm a mature, responsible adult. It's ok." <br /><br />And it was. I had a fabulous time for free. No monetary consequences. New years came around and I was hoping to repeat the experience. The source fell through but I still had this desire to get high. Without even knowing it, I was determined to use. This determination led to (suprise again) monetary consequences... <br /><br />That night I threw away 6 months has really thrown me in a downward spiral... For days after the party I could do little else but cry... ashamed at wasting $1000 of my mothers money... angry with my ignorance... My mistake was not coming to terms with those emotions the way I should've. My mistake was to stuff them... It's stupid how it works... the more pain that is associated with drugs, the easier it seems to be for me to forget and come up with a fresh new way to justify using. <br /><br />"I can handle it" <br />"you'll recover" <br />"no problem" <br /><br />My last entry was posted near the end of a mushroom trip... an intense, emotional experience<br /><br />--<br />Your inner child is in pain. Certain experiences are playing themselves out in your head again and again. This childhood trama... this fear, loneliness, despair is more fundamentally a part of my existence than I had previously realized. Everything that I am today... all that I feel, all my dreams, all that I do.... it's all an attempt to heal the wounded child within me. <br /><br />What is to be gained from this is the knowledge that I do not have the capasity to heal on my own. This inner torture needs to become external... it must manifest itself... art fulfils this need for manifestation, but it is but a temporary distraction. <br /><br />I must become that wounded child in the company of those that can guide me in the direction of healing.<br /><br />--<br /><br />The above it what I wrote while still a few thousand miles away from earth... I though it to personal to post before but it really reminded me of the drug=pain reality<br /><br /><br /><br />Ahh.... life's so complicated. It's ok, though. 2004 was a year in which I took many, many steps forward. Debt is slowly shrinking, completed fall quarter with a 3.6... <br /><br />So I took one back as well. Big deal. It wasn't serious enough to sent me tumbling down and now that I've sat down and collected my thoughts about that backwards step I'm confident and empowered once again. That's a good thing. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:39788 2005-01-09T11:18:57Z 2005-01-09T14:09:07Z drugs = pain urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:39480 2005-01-02T14:28:56Z 2005-01-23T21:34:25Z oratai - closetspace The city sewers in which I dwell alone tonight,<br />Cold, dark, damp.<br />water drips, drips upon my unwelcoming brow, <br />As all things do. <br /><br />I rise and step away from the steady dripping,<br />Tucking myself into a different corner to rest my aching bones.<br />Minutes pass<br />Sleep begins to take hold and then<br />Drip<br />Drop<br />Upon the brow once again.<br /><br />22 years lived and never a full night's rest. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:39286 2005-01-02T14:15:42Z 2005-01-23T21:32:14Z oratai - illinois Gliding slowly through space<br />Tap tap tapping into oblivion<br />Grooving into a great unknown, as I always have<br />What might I find here in this unknown place? <br /><br />I stop briefly to investigate my surroundings.<br />Smiles<br />Joy<br />Sexual fulfilment<br />A level of happiness that can only come from higher levels of connection than I have thus far wandered into. <br />Children playing, laughing, dancing around the men and women dwelling in this higher level of existence...<br />A level I seem incapable of tapping my way into, <br />Thinking my way into, <br />Drugging my way into, <br />Philosophizing my way into. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:39041 2004-12-10T22:13:25Z 2004-12-10T22:13:25Z There is this internal struggle<br />Which no amount of meditation can heal.<br />A battle between the spectre who flies overhead,<br />All-seeing and eternally plotting my weekly dive into oblivion,<br />And my blunt, defeated weapons:<br />Reason, <br />Accomplishment,<br />Direction<br />And the promise of a new day. <br /><br />In these moments thoughts are empty,<br />words meaningless,<br />And any strong arm that attempts to pull me up fails.<br /><br />Then suddenly without warning or effort<br />I'm above ground once again. <br /><br />The battle ends with hope as the victor.<br /><br />But for all the fighting that has been done,<br />No blood is shed,<br />No grave is needed for the spectre flies unseen; <br /><br />Gone for now but with an uncertain future. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:38789 2004-11-06T00:12:53Z 2004-11-06T00:12:53Z I have never been one to let anger get the best of me but still I can't avoid the urge to yell "MOTHINGFUCKING STUPID ASS FUCKING SMELLY TWEEKER NEEDS TO DIE".<br /><br />Today the idea that one must ALWAYS take time to judge people before giving them any trust whatsoever was finally cemented into my head at the cost of a $600 Sony Mavica 5mp digital camera :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:38615 2004-10-30T16:21:49Z 2004-10-30T16:21:49Z Pilgrims of the Mind - Something's Pulling Me Under (Groove Salad: a nicely chilled plate of ambient In the 70s scientists did tests on baby monkeys and determined that if a baby monkey is fed with a surrogate, robotic mother as opposed to something real it will die. The implication is that human's "social needs" are the primary drive for all human actions. Without this social fulfilment, depression and suicide follow.... <br /><br /><br />My struggle provides very good anecdotal evidence for this theory... <br /><br />At this moment I find myself deeply regretting the arrogant idea that my rationalizing/intellectualizing can actually solve problems. I rationalized my way out of the path rehab instilled within me and suprise disaster struck. It took 6 months and very, very unpleasant post acute withdrawl symptoms (random dives into depression), but nonetheless it happened. <br /><br />Today I'm comfused, humbled, defeated and so on. I'm confident my drive to succeed with not fade, but fearful of the idea of loneliness... <br /><br />At some point... probably wednesday when thoughts become more clear, I will find a least a couple answers, but today there is only confusion. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:38154 2004-10-24T02:37:48Z 2004-10-24T02:37:48Z I seem to have totally redefined the "recovery process". In rehab, it was described to me as one single possibility: go to meetings, get a sponser, take the 12 steps. Study NA literature and take advantage of "the theraputic value of one addict helping another." <br /><br />I bought that idea for a while, but over time I realized I'm different... an idea most in the NA community insist leads to relapse.<br /><br />But it didn't.... instead I find myself not only happier than ever but actually motivated. In high school if it was suggested to me that I could actually overcome procrastination I would've laughed. But I have. I was sitting around today, being lazy, watching Fox News, and said to myself "alright if you are to have any success in school you must overcome the strong drive to sit on your ass and not study". And with that I turned off the tube, turned on Beethoven and hit the books. Simple as that. <br /><br />I'm shocked and amazed at this drive I have to achieve... I do understand it, though. I am quite familiar with the path to self-destruction having lived it for 2.5 years. Today my energy is instead focused on reconstruction: paying off debt, rising above my job at QFC, fulfilling potencial and so on. <br /><br />There is something magical about knowing exactly who you are and where you going that delivers smiles daily :-) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:leprechaun58:38000 2004-10-06T20:34:05Z 2004-10-06T20:34:05Z I wish I had a better understanding of how this concept works. <br /><br />Where do I start? Do I perhaps look at each broken piece my decisions have thrown about? Number each and perhaps meditate on them individually? That I could do.<br />1. 30 months of pouring money into a car I no longer own. Slowly I have moved from a depression that I used over to some sort of acceptance... but still I wave regretfully each time I see a 98 Jetta drive by me I walk to my bus stop. <br />2. $1,200 to "Ward", the goat's ass bill collector that calls me the 31st of the month (the day before I fork over 630 for rent). I should look at each payment towards this debt as a reminder of the limitations of kindness.<br />3. My mental abilities... What exactly has changed... what acedemic potential has been wasted is mostly yet to be discovered. <br /><br />It seem none of these issues preventing me from forgiving myself completely can be resolved at this point in my life, which is sad because regret has become a common occurance. <br /><br />All I can do is work hard and attempt to keep hope alive. So far I've done that.