Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Damon's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
12:20 pm	wha? msn is better http://spaces.msn.com/members/leprechaun58 (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
1:49 pm	TERM PAPER STRESS DIFFUSION: Items left to outline/extract quotes: III. Communism and National Security IV. Steps taken by State V. Spy cases [Tuesday afternoon 10am-2pm] VII. Atomic Espionage VIII. Joseph McCarthy: his work and motivations IX: Blacklisting [Wednesday afternoon noon-2pm] X: The Decline of McCarthyism. Begin writing paper [produce 2 of 10 pages] [Thursday afternoon 10am-2pm] Continue writing paper [produce 2 more pages for a total of 4 of 10 pages] [Friday morning 8am-2pm] Continue writing paper [produce 2 more pages for a total of 6 of 10 pages] [Saturday morning post-pancakes (noonish) - 2pm] And then finally, complete rough draft Sunday morning 12am - 7am *wipes sweat from brow* yeah... I'm comfortable with that. God 48 hour work week before final week of summer quarter. Much stress. Now if I request the usual Sunday for term paper and also wed/thurs for last minute touch ups and studying for math final I'll be A-ok. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 30th, 2005
8:24 am	The more things change, the more things stay the same. Browsing through old entries from April of 2001, I found myself laughing at some of the stupid, immature shit I said: "I obviously don't see anything in the way of higher education and thus higher salaries. A bit of extra knowledge and the money that goes with it won't make me happy. If I found the one thing that I've been waiting for I could be happy working at a grocery store for the rest of my life." Yeahhh... so my thinking there was that working at a job at which I'm constantly surrounded by stupidity, one in which I've had to rigorously train myself to be able to deal with "unenlightened" people, is no problem so long as I find true love. So naieve... The reality is that while I am at the moment too socially/emotionally/sexually dysfunctional to be able to be in the kind of relationship I want, it's more important to put all my energy into making the 40-50 years I spend at a particular job as enjoyable as possible. Also, knowledge is power and now that I have mental stability and personal goals for myself (direction), few things give me greater pleasure than learning. And the money thing.... a higher income means I can establish good credit and eventually buy my dream condo right downtown (perhaps even at that nice new "2220" building on Denny/Dexter. Material, yes, but the less I have to stress about money the easier it is to enjoy life... Some things, however, are equally true now as they were April of 2001 when I was WAY unstable and obsessed with Sveta... "I live only to discover myself..... " (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 12th, 2005
8:21 pm	Poetry on buses This one caught my eye yesterday: Summer in the Meadow Kathy Heffernan Purged from the hive, She hovers, then dives into the stem's glow - Spinning gold A whirling dervish On the Nootka Rose I want work like that. Work that makes me dizzy Makes me drunk on sweet nectar Finds me dancing Across the plush, pink petals of all that I love. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
1:29 pm	6 years ago we were suicidal together... and now.. Enlightenment Lost(friend who shall remain nameless)                enlightenment lost? Lavarn(me)                yes Lavarn                reference to me screwing up a couple weeks ago and getting high Enlightenment Lost                doh... Lavarn                yeah :( Lavarn                not too tragic Enlightenment Lost                you went to a party or something? Lavarn                Went to a club Lavarn                got drunk Lavarn                left early way tossed Lavarn                came home and raided my roomate's stash Enlightenment Lost                is this the same older guy? Lavarn                immediately felt bad about it and proceeded to ride my bike 80 miles to work it off Lavarn                yeah Enlightenment Lost                I see, did you tell him? Lavarn                immediately since I went out with him and he was worried Enlightenment Lost                he wasn't mad or anything? Lavarn                no not really... Kirk's sweet. Lavarn                It wasn't a great tragedy Lavarn                Just a reminder of certain aspects of my addictive nature.... and some phychological issues as well Enlightenment Lost                so do you think it was caused by the fact that you were drunk? Lavarn                well Lavarn                it's complicated Enlightenment Lost                ok...well, the weaker claim Enlightenment Lost                do you think you would have not done it if you were not drunk? Lavarn                I (unlike you) haven't given up on the idea and acutally constanstly pursue social fulfillment Lavarn                well Lavarn                definitely Lavarn                alcohol leads addicts back to their drug of choice Lavarn                I learned that long, long ago Lavarn                but forgot that night Enlightenment Lost                makes sense Enlightenment Lost                but...you don't think that the alcohol was the problem? Lavarn                Alcohol has a tendency to bring forth a lot of emotion Enlightenment Lost                tian says I should drink for that reason Lavarn                because you're too fucked up to repress sadness, it pours Lavarn                There's no benefit to it, though. You don't think about it and learn, you just cry Lavarn                or whatever other emotion comes out Enlightenment Lost                right...so it doesn't bring out only good emotions Lavarn                no Lavarn                For me I'm reminded of some fundamental phycholocal problems.... sexual anxiety making relationships possible and etc Enlightenment Lost                it's one of these cases where you know not doing it is better, but you still do it because you can't logically carry out the best decision Enlightenment Lost                (for the getting high, that is) Lavarn                when I'm drunk, you mean? Lavarn                yeah Enlightenment Lost                well...even when you are not drunk, sometimes, right? Enlightenment Lost                that's the whole addict thing... Lavarn                when I'm drunk there's no logic/reasoning operating at all Lavarn                the addict thing is complicated Enlightenment Lost                so you do it because it makes you feel good at the time Lavarn                not that simple.... In retrospect I can explain exactly what happened.... Lavarn                Lack of social fulfilment/frustration with psychological issues that bother me on a daily basis made put me in a dangerous "fuck it I don't care I'm gonna enjoy myself regardless" mindset Enlightenment Lost                hmm Enlightenment Lost                it's definitely a temporary enjoyment kind of thing Enlightenment Lost                since obviously you do not enjoy it in the long run Lavarn                yeah.... Lavarn                and it points to a general failure on my part in the pursuit of happiness... Lavarn                though it's not entirely my fault Lavarn                a chemical imbalance has probably always been there... but I made it worse Lavarn                a lot of it stems from sexual issues... childhood stuff Lavarn                not sure why I feel compelled to vent all this but... ahh well Enlightenment Lost                chemical imbalance - in terms of what makes you happy or in terms of your ability to pursue what makes you happy Lavarn                hmm Enlightenment Lost                happiness can be different for different people we agreed on that Lavarn                the best way to describe it is that I have all the means of living a happy life... of enjoying myself every day Lavarn                (self-confidence, friends, family, hobbies, etc) Lavarn                but for no reason at all my mood is so unstable and more often than not shitty that I don't utilize those means Enlightenment Lost                well, if you aren't happy, you can't argue with that Enlightenment Lost                but even if you do everything right there are still downswings where you will feel bad (but only temporarily) Lavarn                the temporary downswings are extremely bad... turn my cell phone off, contact no one for 2-3 days and so on Lavarn                I dunno Lavarn                in any case I need to stop putting off having myself evaluated Enlightenment Lost                it has always been unclear to me whether life is even worth living...ever since the "normal setting theory" :) Lavarn                well Enlightenment Lost                it seems like no matter what you do, there are times when you will feel good, and other times when you will feel bad Lavarn                right the premise was that random life events will cause moments of happiness/sadness Lavarn                and at all other times's you'll return to "normal" Lavarn                which is inherently unpleasant Lavarn                or something like that Enlightenment Lost                I wouldn't say "normal" is inherently unpleasent... Enlightenment Lost                but it isn't pleasent either...it's right in the middle Lavarn                that doesn't apply to everyone, though Lavarn                just fucked up people like us :) Lavarn                for most people, there are moments of happiness/sadness but the setting most often experienced is pleasant Enlightenment Lost                that is the accepted or conveyed view Enlightenment Lost                but I wonder if it is really true Enlightenment Lost                you could imagine the situation where everyone feels like shit Enlightenment Lost                but they all think that they will feel better if they try to convey that they feel good Lavarn                but that's not the case... just based on observation. Count the amount of laughter, the number of smiles you encounter every day. Haven't you ever found yourself wondering how certain people you encounter every day are as happy as they appear to be? Enlightenment Lost                yup...all the time Lavarn                People who have "normal" lives Enlightenment Lost                but...I can't rule out the plausible explanation that they are faking it Lavarn                why is that plausible? Enlightenment Lost                I go around trying to pretend that I feel better than I really do Enlightenment Lost                I bet people think that I feel great Enlightenment Lost                the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence right? :) Lavarn                well Lavarn                it's an established fact that people who grow up in a certain "normal" environment (two parents, no sexual trama, no emotional trama, etc) grow up with what you would call a happier "normal setting. Lavarn                these people socialize normally Lavarn                have sex normally Lavarn                and easily obtain all the things you and I would agree are reliable sources of happiness Lavarn                friends Lavarn                family Lavarn                success Enlightenment Lost                maybe they are happier Enlightenment Lost                but it is really difficult to know I think Lavarn                you can tell when the smiles are genuine Lavarn                when someone's truly a happy person Enlightenment Lost                I agree that it is sometimes clear when someone is enjoying themselves Enlightenment Lost                but I would say that's just temporary happiness Enlightenment Lost                they are doing an activity that they genuinely like Lavarn                right Enlightenment Lost                but...then when they have to stop and go back to work or something Lavarn                there are individual activities that cause happiness Enlightenment Lost                but I do that too Enlightenment Lost                I'm no different from them in that respect Lavarn                and then there are reliable sources one uses for one's entire life Lavarn                and all of those involve healthy social/sexual contact with other people Lavarn                How happy I am on a daily basis has everything to do with how enjoyable my social contact with the people around me on that day is. Lavarn                My fondest memories of days I was extremely happy involve time spent with you or Kevin Enlightenment Lost                so you enjoy social contact Lavarn                or with other friends/family Lavarn                I don't think this is just a tendency I have Enlightenment Lost                but the key idea of the normal setting theory is that Lavarn                and I've said this to you many times.... Enlightenment Lost                say there are two different possible lives Lavarn                you reject the idea that happiness MUST come from social contact Lavarn                which is wrong Enlightenment Lost                1. a life where you have a lot of social contact with people every day 2. a life where you never (or rarely) have social contact with anyone Enlightenment Lost                and the idea of the normal setting theory is that in the long run, your happiness for these two lives are the same Lavarn                so what you're saying is socializing isn't a reliable source of happiness? That spending time along improving your poker skills or whatever would make you smile/laugh more than joking around or doing whatever else with friends? Enlightenment Lost                hmm...well Lavarn                that if think back to some of your happiest moments Enlightenment Lost                in my normal setting theory, which I'm not sure how much is actually true or I agree with Lavarn                there are an equal number of solitary moments than ones with friends/family? Enlightenment Lost                it doesn't matter what I do... Enlightenment Lost                I think that if you are alone all the time, the chance to talk with someone is a temporary source of happiness Enlightenment Lost                and conversely, if you are talking with people all the time, the chance to be alone for a bit is a temporary source of happiness Lavarn                to say that it doesn't matter what you do (be with people or be alone), you're simply admitting to social anxiety Lavarn                which you didn't need to do (I already knew that) Enlightenment Lost                as to social anxiety Enlightenment Lost                that's avoiding social contact because of the temporarily bad effects that would happen because of it Lavarn                I think this theory is simply a justification for your social anxiety Enlightenment Lost                haha Enlightenment Lost                I suppose it's possible Lavarn                something to consider anyway Enlightenment Lost                I have thought about that Enlightenment Lost                it's actually interesting Lavarn                (clothing in dryer BRB) Enlightenment Lost                a lot of times when I am feeling terrible, I think to myself that if I had lived a life with more social contact, I wouldn't be feeling this way Enlightenment Lost                but then there eventually come times where I feel great, and I tell myself how proud I am for not living a life of social contact Enlightenment Lost                and of course, my life has a lot of inevitable social contact anyway...but probably less than the average person Lavarn                much less Lavarn                but that'll change when you're employed Lavarn                Which you're how close to being, BTW? Enlightenment Lost                not that close :) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
5:27 pm	"A life of nothing's nothing worth From that first nothing after birth To that last nothing under earth." Current Mood: empty (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
12:20 pm	hmm... Current Mood: angry/depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
1:51 pm	my mantras These are helpful. I need more. 1. "That [outside force causing disharmony] is not my happiness." 2. "Unwavering determination." 3. "Insecurity is an illusion. Relativity is irrelevent." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
10:40 am	Poetry is fun 45 minutes to write this thing. Rigidly structured forms are a bitch, but I think what I came up with has the potential to amuse :P SESTINA ON THE INDIVIDUAL 1. Why must one ask About this ridiculous race That circulates round The shape of one’s belly? Why waste your time in the hall Of absurd, unreal dreams? 2. Today I dream Of that which I need not ask Of others; others trapped in that hall; Trapped in that fruitless race Centered on the sex appeal of one’s belly. These people are lost. Watch them spin round and round. 3. Round and round and round and round; Thinking their dreams are their own, but failing to dream About how important it really is to have a belly About which no one ever asks, “Haven’t you competed the additional race?”, “Shouldn’t you be wildly roaming the halls”? 4. “Nay,” I say. I stand today in my own hall. I care not about roundness. I compete in my own race. I have my own dreams. And if anyone ever asks, I’m quick to reply, “one’s worth isn’t measure by the size of the belly.” 5. However, some are still focused on the belly. They’re still stuck in the hall And lack the willpower to ask, “Is the whole world spinning round?” Surely they must dream Of ending their tireless race. 6. Instilled by outside forces and damaging to the individual is this race. Souls are crushed and spirits sent all round. We all lose the ability to dream Of one day leaving this hall And instead circling round A hall of our own creation; a hall about which we needn’t ever ask: 7. “Who put me here?” or “Am I happy here?” (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
12:53 am	I feel wise and proud... The statement about understanding the risk even at DnB parties and not caring about it is such addict thinking. Addiction to a natural endorphine high warping my thinking is equally bad as addction to any other substance.... Went to Catwalk to see Dieselboy... hung out for a while, drank some Jager expecting a nice little energizing buzz, but became lethargic instead. And thus the battle began. Tonight I won, though. I fled the venue in fear and sent the following to the friend who'd be wondering what the fuck if I didn't let her know what's up: "Tess: The fact that known dealers are there and using comes to mind makes DnB parties dangerous. Addicts like me must run away and never return. Sobriety is my priority." Enlightenment is remembering what you already knew with newfound evidence to support it.  (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
2:54 pm	The Void To shatter my focus on outside influences and attempt to become one with this "void" is to become a slave to my inner-voice. Those familiar memories, Feelings, Hopes, Fears, My unwavering determination to achieve certain things. That which I mustn't forget echos in my mind As it should. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
6:13 pm	"If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you should post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your own journal and see what people remember about you." (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
1:51 pm	my insecure self Before I forget it need to jot down the image that popped into my head last night as I was overwhelmed with the natural endorphine high DJ Raiden gave me @ the Aristacrats. It's so bazaar how dramatically I'm changed by totally letting my body be controlled by a drum and bass set that is to my liking. As I danced, I meditated. Creative juices flowed. I found myself imagining clearly all my insecurities. Moments in which I thought to myself "I'm not capable of achieving my academic goals" were all embodied in the image of myself in my head which, as I danced, slowly expanded. Think of the super ninja in "Big Trouble in Little China" who gets all pissed off and blows himself up. This movie of my insecure self blowing up played in my head several times... it was a symbolic letting go of those irrational thoughts. That meditation freed me from those emotions and now as I sit down and think about those moments of insecurity again, I can approach them rationally. The reality is that I'm determined, hard-working and capable. Therefore, all academic goals will be easily reached. End of story. This makes me happy. Pioneer square bars at which e is nonexistant is ok, I've decided. And even if a drug dealer I recognize shows up (which happened last night), tough. I'm still kinda giddy and elated from that experience last night and am not willing to give it up... Uncertain, though... next saturday morning I'll be at Breakfast of Champions and I'll ponder the question of whether or not D&B parties are ok... Current Mood: content Current Music: Waater - phase II (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
10:23 am	Bored between classes This quarter's lesson is that an hour gap between classes sucks. Updated LJ info with a minibio. Sums the past 22 years up quite well I think. Thought I'd something more to say but it's gone now. Sad. Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
3:18 pm	To Alex Once upon a time you were a ball of cookie dough, formless and capable of becoming anything. Then suddenly you were surrounded with strong hands that beat you down flat and cut you into a particular shape. You were then baked for 10-12 minutes at 350 degrees, frosted and generously covered in multi-colored sprinkles. It is for that reason that I am so amused by you. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:58 pm	Random thought One of the greatest philosophers of all time, Socrates, seemed to value dialogue as a way to express and refine philosophical thought. In my own experience, I find this to be mostly true. Ideas pop into my head more frequently when I'm sipping coffee with a friend, exploring ideas. Meditation works as well. I have a habit of putting on somafm.com's dronezone before I go to bed because it's spacy, relaxing and helps me wind down. Yesterday I found myself pondering consciousness for no particular reason and came up with a very simple way to define it. Science and philosophy seem to have great trouble with this issue. For me it's simple. All one must do is observe what exactly is going on in one's waking state. What are the aspects of consciosness? The first and most obvious sound, which exists in the mind in three forms: (1) the inner voice, (2) the voice of others and (3) memories of the sounds of the world. The second aspect is images, which, just like sounds, can be memories or images we consciously create. I considered the other 3 senses being aspects of consciousness, but they all seem to become sounds or images. If I try to make a taste, smell, or physical sensation a part of my consciousness I end up using language or pictures and therefore creating sounds and images in my head. I can't experience, for example, the taste of chocolate. I can only imagine the word used to describe it (sweet). Playing a sort of guiding role in this constant stream of sound and images is the third aspect: emotion. The inner voice has the power to create or change emotions and conversely emotions have the power to create or change images and sounds. Individuality, then, is defined by what emotions, images and sounds tend to compose one's consciousness. "Higher levels of consciousness", as described in Eastern philosophy, therefore, are simply more favorable combinations of emotions, images and sounds. What's most facinating about my mind and how its constantly evolving. In childhood and adolesence, events take place and create a sort of emotional setting which in turn makes certain images and sounds a normal part of consciousness. I've become aware of this emotional setting and the way it effects my thoughts. Consciousness changing consciousness. We are such facinating creatures.  (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
2:49 pm	Fragility I'm beginning to think my greatest strength is also one of my greatest weaknesses... Every free moment I have is spent thinking about my current outlook on life. Recent social interactions that remind me of who I am echo in my mind again and again. For example, at work a couple nights ago I was discussing in my usual calm, civil, desperately-trying-to-avoid-conflict manner whether or not we should be taking a second break. The issue is stupid and not worth explaining... but what ended up happing is that Alex, my coworker and standard-issue hyper-heterosexual insecure male, snaped at me in an agressive tone. A mere four words spoken in an aggressive tone make me shake with anxiety... Anyway... the point is that I'm constantly working on myself as if there's always something wrong... which is true, I suppose. But the drawback is that I've become really good at finding a way to justify just about anything I do. I can change my perspective on things easily. This all relates back to drugs of course (huge suprise I know) and my complex relationship with them. Over the summer I felt empowered and totally in control. I had learned from my destructive phase and had no desire to destroy myself any more. I enrolled in school and began paying off debt. All was well until I discovered a weakness I couldn't really predict... I reached 6 months of sobriety and was hit with random depression again and "relapsed". I recovered as I always do and empowered with the knowledge that all I have to do to say sober is be very aware of my mood and far away from drugs when random depression hits. This worked for a while... than I was asked to help someone who for unknown reasons had pills and knew nothing at all about what to do with them. This excited me... I liked the idea of playing the game again. So I played it right after Christmas. Stupid idea because this made it easy for me to justify using. The conversation I had with myself is still fresh in my mind... like it was yesterday... I recall saying "I've been up forever and won't be able to get rid of these unless I take one to stay awake." The last nail in the coffin was "I'm a mature, responsible adult. It's ok." And it was. I had a fabulous time for free. No monetary consequences. New years came around and I was hoping to repeat the experience. The source fell through but I still had this desire to get high. Without even knowing it, I was determined to use. This determination led to (suprise again) monetary consequences... That night I threw away 6 months has really thrown me in a downward spiral... For days after the party I could do little else but cry... ashamed at wasting $1000 of my mothers money... angry with my ignorance... My mistake was not coming to terms with those emotions the way I should've. My mistake was to stuff them... It's stupid how it works... the more pain that is associated with drugs, the easier it seems to be for me to forget and come up with a fresh new way to justify using. "I can handle it" "you'll recover" "no problem" My last entry was posted near the end of a mushroom trip... an intense, emotional experience -- Your inner child is in pain. Certain experiences are playing themselves out in your head again and again. This childhood trama... this fear, loneliness, despair is more fundamentally a part of my existence than I had previously realized. Everything that I am today... all that I feel, all my dreams, all that I do.... it's all an attempt to heal the wounded child within me. What is to be gained from this is the knowledge that I do not have the capasity to heal on my own. This inner torture needs to become external... it must manifest itself... art fulfils this need for manifestation, but it is but a temporary distraction. I must become that wounded child in the company of those that can guide me in the direction of healing. -- The above it what I wrote while still a few thousand miles away from earth... I though it to personal to post before but it really reminded me of the drug=pain reality Ahh.... life's so complicated. It's ok, though. 2004 was a year in which I took many, many steps forward. Debt is slowly shrinking, completed fall quarter with a 3.6... So I took one back as well. Big deal. It wasn't serious enough to sent me tumbling down and now that I've sat down and collected my thoughts about that backwards step I'm confident and empowered once again. That's a good thing. :) Current Mood: enlightened Current Music: David Lanz - Skyline Firedance (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
3:18 am	C12H17N2O4P drugs = pain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
6:28 am	Dripping [Oratai's Closetspace Interpretation] The city sewers in which I dwell alone tonight, Cold, dark, damp. water drips, drips upon my unwelcoming brow, As all things do. I rise and step away from the steady dripping, Tucking myself into a different corner to rest my aching bones. Minutes pass Sleep begins to take hold and then Drip Drop Upon the brow once again. 22 years lived and never a full night's rest. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: oratai - closetspace (Comment on this)
6:15 am	Levels of Unreachable Existence [Oratai's Illinois Interpretation] Gliding slowly through space Tap tap tapping into oblivion Grooving into a great unknown, as I always have What might I find here in this unknown place? I stop briefly to investigate my surroundings. Smiles Joy Sexual fulfilment A level of happiness that can only come from higher levels of connection than I have thus far wandered into. Children playing, laughing, dancing around the men and women dwelling in this higher level of existence... A level I seem incapable of tapping my way into, Thinking my way into, Drugging my way into, Philosophizing my way into. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: oratai - illinois (Comment on this)